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Maximum Steve
Just a man...with a gorilla's courage
[originally posted on 10/05/06 at here

A lethal combination of energy drink, boredom, and uh, more boredom has lead to this increase of posting. Blame the government. Blame society. Hell, you can even blame Godzilla. But I have discovered something via Something Awful that I was just compelled to share with the whole lot of you.
This eBook course will help you stop cranking it. That's right, they will help you stop masturbating, which is remarkable, cos I wasn't even aware that a) Beating off was harmful to me; and b) This was something I needed to stop. Go figure. The only thing I thought I was hurting my masturbating was my dirty socks, and so far they haven't raised any voices in protest. But they give you the ways in how masturbation is harmful for you life. Dig:

Masturbation destroys your health
- Umm...right. I guess it destroys your health in the same way that a normal, heterosexual orgasm would, since your body, crafty motherfucker that it is, knows the difference between a vagina and your hand/pillow/vacumm cleaner tube/or whatever else it is you use to beat off. And ladies, this goes for you, too. Your vagina knows the difference between a penis and whatever silly device you use to pleasure yourself. However, your vagina can be thrown off if you use a severed penis that has been tied off and filled with a polymer, so to never lose the hardness of a turgid erection.

You waste your valuable time on masturbation
-Yes, the five minutes that I spend masturbating could be spent so much more wisely on other things, like staring at the wall, trying to find something else to do, pretending to read a book, singing a bit of a song to myself, looking in the fridge for something to eat, thinking about who would win in a fight(Megatron or Jesus???), thinking about what I would do if I had the power to masturbate infinitely, etc, etc. I could go on, but I think you get the idea.

Weakens your ability to make money (since you spend most of your valuable time in watching pornographic content and then masturbating)
- Right. I can't begin to tell you the daily contest of wills that takes place every morning when I wake up. "Should I go to work or stay home and ejaculate to the point where I'm spitting out nothing but dust?? Hmmm...." I also like how they say that you watch[ing] the pornographic content and then masturbating. Jack, I don't know how you roll, but I spank it while I'm watching said pornographic content. It's not like you're watching fucking 'Citizen Kane', and then discussing its merits. The only merit that porno has is that you can masturbate to it. And occasionally, it's hilarious.

Destroys your marriage or your relationship with your partner
- Okay. I really don't know what to say about this, other than I can't think of any marriage or relationship that has fallen apart cos someone either confessed to masturbating or was caught. Sure, there was probably some embarassment there, as no one wants to be caught flailing away at themselves like they're putting out a fire on their genitals. C'mon now. That's why you do it when you know that no one is going to be home. It's just common sense.

Makes you feel guilty after masturbation (inferiority complex)
- What inferiority complex? You feel inferior cos you made yourself cum in the time that it takes your microwave to make a bag of popcorn. Shit, that makes me feel awesome. Like my left hand is the best fucking lay in the world. You go girl. Self high five.

Prevents you from having better sex with your partner
- Chances are, you're probably masturbating cos THEY AREN'T THERE!!! And I don't know about the rest of you, but my beating off five or six hours prior isn't going to impact my sexual performance later on. But then again, I'm a machine.

Creates a negative psychology after masturbation that affects your business life
- How many times have I been in a buisness meeting, trying to outline the newest proposal for the boss, and I just can't get up the courage to say: "The product sucks, dude" cos I spent the morning giving myself a workout. Countless. Masturbation impacts every facet of my life. And by every facet, I mean the 10mins that it takes to get it up, finish it off, and then clean it up. And then, I'm not really thinking about it any more.

Prevents you from making your life's dream come true (since you spend most of your valuable time in watching pornographic content and then masturbating)
- What if my life's dream is to constantly watch pornographic content and then masturbate? I guess I'd probably have pretty low standards....

Seriously, if you're having problems with the above mentioned things, your problem probably isn't masturbation. You sir, or madam, would be what is referred to as a sex addict, and masturbation is the least of your problems. Sure, you're probably pounding one down three or four, maybe even five times a day. And I bet all this whacking is getting in the way of things. But quitting masturbation isn't going to fix that little car wreck, no sir. In place of masturbating, you'll be meat logging skanks you pick up at the local IHOP in the back of your Buick Skylark. And last time I checked, there's no 12 step program for that, other than your boys making fun of you.
Ladies, feel free to substitute "meat logging skanks" for "using your flesh tunnel to devour mad sausidge, yo". It's all the same.
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I <3 politicians.
You will never find a more two-faced bastard do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do motherfucker out there than a politician. If you were to make some sort of ladder of biology, with single celled organisms and the like on the bottom rung of said ladder, politicians would be hanging out on the same run with the cockroaches, dung beetles, and any other animal that eats feces for sustinence.
Here's CNN's take on the matter. Well, not their take, per se, but one of their many articles about this douche bag. Why, may you ask, am I calling him a douche bag? Well, first of all, he's a fucking pedophile. That's pretty much all I need to say about that. He's a pedophile. You can't really make that any worse or any better. It's not like you're going to tack on ".....but he's not that bad, I mean he saved a bunch of kittens from a burning petrochemical plant." And even if you do, the part that you're going to be paying the most attention to was that beginning part. Seriously, try it right now....."Jonas Salk: he's a pedophile, but he cured polio!"
"Neil Armstong, he really likes to fingerbang little boys...but he was the first man on the moon!!"
Regardless of your achievement, you're always going to be known as a pedophile, and that's the way it should be. Should you cure every single goddamn known disease, virus, or whatever in the known world and you like little kids, you're still going to be a pedophile. You'll just be that pedophile that made the world into the golden utopia where no one ever gets sick.

But this story gets better and better. I mean, this dude was the former co-chair of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children. He was behind a bunch of laws designed to protect children from the very type of person that he himself is. He was also real into a law to take cars away from people convicted of soliciting sex from a postitute, which last time I checked are usually of legal age. Except in Thailand, but what happens in Thailand stays in Thailand...unless it's a super quickie sex change, done on the sly so you can get out of that debt you owe that bookie. That's a different story, too.
I guess it makes sense, though. Public face saying that you want to protect the children from the very monster that you yourself are. It's easier to hide.

What really chaps my ass is this motherfuckers' complete inability to fess up to his crimes. He'd still be a vile, sick, despicable monster, but at least he would have owned up. Instead, he blames all of this on "alcoholism". Right.
By a show of hands, I'd like people who have gotten completely blasted and then decided to speak in a sexually explicit manner with a minor(say it fast!)....anyone?? Anyone?? Bueler??
As many people here will testify to, I have gotten seriously, seriously, seriously shitfaced many, many, many, many times. I mean, I've gotten drunk a lot. Going on 9 years now...and I've never, ever felt a need to go into some chat room and start talking about penis with the first 15 year old I could find. Hell, I'm fucking lucky if I can find a keyboard, let alone manage a coherant conversation with the other side. I've tried a couple of times, it's fucking hard. I can't imagine how difficult it'd be if you're masturbating as well.
Alcoholism....my ass. You're a fucking PEDOPHILE, DUDE! Drunk or not, you are a little boy fucker...or a teeange boy fucker, whatever your predilection. You're not mentally ill, cos it's a fucking preference, you asshole. You're not an alcoholic, cos very few alcoholics "never drink in public" as you claim that you didn't. Right. You only drink the privacy of you're own home, huddled in front of the computer, dick in one hand, a glass of Cutty Sark in the other. Yeah, time to get drunk, buddy. Login to the "retarded teenage boys chatroom" and see how many new friends you can make.

Dammit, now the whole morning(or at least a better part of it) is soured for me. I was going to talk about how North Korea says they're going to test a nuke, and I had a whole bunch of racist jokes lined up about that one. I was going to talk about how I watched 'Heroes' last night, and how it's the greatest show on TV, at least as far as Monday @ 9pm is concerned. The levels of gore in that show are astounding. I wanted to talk about how the Senate is getting all worked up over the ESRB and how they want them to play through the entirety of every game they rate before they rate it, and how rediculous that is. But I can't now. I can't cos fuckin' Mark Foley had to go out and try and get some little kid to come blow him. Goddammit.
Where the fuck is Dateline NBC when you need them? How come they only go after the heterosexual pedophiles? Isn't that some form of discrimination? Someone should sue....
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I guess I got lured back. So all of you that went out there and called it: GO YOU! I have no gold stars, nor do I have any cookies. I don't have shit. So deal with it. Neener.

I guess...it's update time. As in: what is new with me? And the simple answer is: not much, really. And I guess everything. So...why don't we just start with what I can remember, and maybe, just maybe, there are a few of you still around to maybe even give a shit. But hell, who knows...maybe I'm talking to myself. I guess it wouldn't be anything like the ol' Myspace account, but whatever.

I may or may not, depending upon how bored and lazy I can be, be posting select posts from Myspace over here. My Myspace is pretty open, you can just go right in and look at whatever. But if you'd rather read it here, let me know. I am open and flexible. Just not when it comes to butt love. Keep your fingers, penis, dildo, etc away from my butt cavity. I need it to poop.
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Awright, like you haven't already noticed by my conciderable lack of posting here, I'm pretty much done with this. I'm getting bored with it, and I've already moved on, anyway. I have a tendancy to do this, getting bored with one medium before moving onto another. It's happened before, and it'll happen again. Anyway, the new place to read all of the shit that comes out of my head is www.myspace.com/scientologist4life.
Check it out, if you got the Myspace. If not, go ahead anyway. I'm going to be deleting this in about two weeks.

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the Shock Jock
(56% dark, 56% spontaneous, 66% vulgar)
your humor style:

Your sense of humor is off-the-cuff and kind of gross. Is it is also
sinister, cynical, and vaguely threatening to the purer folks of this
world, and you probably get off on that. You would cut a greasy fart,
then blame it on your mom, and then just shrug when someone pointed out
that she's dead.

Yours is hands-down the most outrageous sense of humor; you
like things
trangressive and hardcore. It's highly likely (a) you have no limits
(b) you have no scruples and (c) you have no job. Ironically, it's your
type of humor that can make the biggest bucks in show business.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Howard Stern - Adam Sandler - Roseanne Barr

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 55% on dark
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 87% on spontaneous
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 93% on vulgar
Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid

Yeah, that pretty much sounds like me...

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Dammit, I have to do this now. Cos...well, I just do.

5 snacks I enjoy: Pizza flavored Combos, Spicy Cajun Pringles, Skittles gum, Cherry Garcia Ben & Jerry's, Oatmeal Cream Pies

5 bands/singers that I know the lyrics of MOST of their songs: Reggie and the Full Effect(duh), eisley, KMFDM, nine inch nails, Wesley Willis

5 things I would do with $100,000,000: Buy a sweet car, get myself a pretty kick ass home theater rig, pay off everything I owe, go on a long, long, long vacation, buy enough drugs to last a month or so.

5 locations I'd like to run away to: Japan, Russia, Antartica, Vietnam, Brazil

5 bad habits I have: talking over people, smoking, not finishing what I start, forcing movies/music on people, not listening to my parents

5 things I like doing: sleeping, getting high, watching foreign flicks, video games, feeling sorry for myself

5 things I would never wear: girls underwears, anything from Abercrombie & Fitch, a mu-mu, ball hugger shorts, and pleated khaki's.

5 TV shows I like: ATHF, Sealab 2021, Family Guy, XPlay(I <3 you Morgan Webb...or should I say Morgan Teale???), Lost

5 movies I like: Battle Royale, Alive, Versus, Happiness of the Katakuris, Pauly Shore is Dead

5 famous people I'd like to meet: Takashi Miike, Bruce Campbell, James Dewees, Riki Takeuchi, Godzilla

5 biggest joys at the moment: beer, pot, video games, music, my dog

5 favorite toys: Xbox, my rock star sunglasses, my Ouija board, my little Alien plushie, my wavering grip on reality

5 people to tag: kinghollywood, obsidiantrinket, omg_its_ryann, redmolly, rhapsodically

There, are you fucking happy now?? Anyway, I could have gone all HTML'ly on the names and shit, but I forget how to make the little heads pop up and I'm lazy to boot.

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I just found out that Eisley is going to be playing Portland on the 22nd of this month, and that makes me super, super happy. The only problem is that the band that they're opening for, I really have no interest in. In this case, it's Hot Hot Heat.
This seems to be a common theme. Both times I saw Reggie and the Full Effect, I left after Reggie played his set. I can't remember who was playing the first time, Alkaline Trio I think(or did they play the second??), but either way, I usually leave after the band I want to see plays. Most people ask me, "Don't you feel like you're wasting your money?". I usually tell them, "No", hit them in the face with a brick, and then run away as fast as I can. I know it's a little unnecessary, but I don't have many chances to hit people in the faces with bricks, and that questions seems like as good a reason as any.
So yeah, I'm going to try and go see Eisley. I don't have anyone to go with as of yet, I asked Chelsi but she gave me the "We'll see" answer, so that probably means no. Whatever. I went to see KMFDM by myself, I can go see Eisley that way; it'd just be much more fun to go with someone else, you know? You know how seeing a movie by yourself sucks ass? Well a concert is way more worse. It's not that it ruins the concert or anything, but after the concert and before hand kinda sucks, cos you're just standing there. At least I am. I don't connect well with new people, and it's a bitch for me to talk to people I don't know. I can do it, I just don't like to. I'm weird like that.

There's a slim chance that I might be going back to school. One of the University of Maine satellites, USM, has an opening at their law library. I don't know what exactly I'd be doing, I've been told looking shit up for people and what not, but who really gives a rat's ass? They pay $10.65/hr and you're allowed to take two free classes a semester. Yeah. That's why I'm going. They could put me down in the catacombs of law or whatever it is they have in those buildings, I don't give a shit. That paycheck and the classes would put me on cloud 9 for at least a couple of months before I start hating the job.
I really don't think I'll get the job, but I'm supposed to stay positive. My mother told me that she read this book about vibrations and shit like that, and how negative vibrations(thinking negatively, I guess) will cause bad things to happen. I personally think that's crap, cos I've been thinking nothing but good things for myself for the past YEAR and my life has just gotten progressively shittier and shittier. I feel like I'm going to hit bottom, punch through, and then just keep going until I reach China or something like that. I hope I do reach China, cos I've never been and I hear it's full of Communists. I don't know if that's true or not, cos usually all I see on TV is Chinese people, and they really don't look like the Communists I'm used to from Vietnam and Rambo movies.
Hopefully I do get the job. Cos if I do, that'll be the start of an upswing and then maybe things'll get better. They certainly can't get much worse, can then? Well, they can, but that'd involve the loss of a limb or some other extremity, and honestly, I'll just kill myself. If I can't play video games or run away from a person much bigger than me after talking shit or masturbate, then what more do I have to live for?

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So it's the Fourth.

I hope you all know that 200+ yrs ago, a bunch of guys died for your right to barbeque, drink beer and listen to REO Speedwagon, and to get drunk and fuck around with fireworks. Unless you live in Maine, in which case all you can dick around with is sparklers. Which, unless you concider pinpoint third-degree burns, aren't all that fucking dangerous.

So get drunk, scream "AMERICA!!! WOOOOOOO!!!" and do it for me. Cos as we all know, no one loves America more than me. Except for maybe a couple of Republicans. And this one guy that lives in the Ozarks and still thinks the Civil War is going on. And a few foreigners that came over here from some impoverished shitty country.
Okay, so maybe a lot of people like America more than me. Forget it.

Happy Fourth, everyone.

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Holy shit, y'all. Tom Cruise has officially lost his mind.
Well, maybe he didn't lose it. Maybe L. Ron Hubbard has it somewhere in a scientific futuristic laboratory(say it with me now, LAH-bor-A-tory). I don't know how all this Scientology shit works. I do know that when I was grounded for a month when I was 13, I read all those Battlefield Earth books, there's like ten of 'em- and they're huge, and that Hubbard guy is fucking crazy. Even for a Sci-Fi author.

Oh, you probably don't know what I'm talking about. Go here and then come back. We'll talk about it then. Ready...GO!!!

First of all, it's the parents fault if they don't know what the drug their child being perscribed does. And if you're ADD or ADHD, chances are your parents aren't going to ask you if you want to take some medication to help you. That's part of being a kid, you don't get a say in how your life is run. That shit comes later.
And yeah, Ritalin is a street drug. Big whoop. You don't see hom lashing out at the medical community and their use of "painkillers". Did you know that Vicodin is a street drug? What about Valium? Or Oxycontin? Or Demerol? Or the shitload more that I can't remember cos I'm all fucked up on Vicodin. And Demerol. And Valium.

The best part is when Cruiser tells Matt "The Beast" Lauer that "...[he] know[s] the history of psychiatry". Yeah. I'm sure that Tom Cruise looked all that shit up after he turned into a raving fucking asshole on the set of Oprah. I didn't see it, but I didn't need to. I read all the fuck about it, and yeah, dude, you were a total tool. I've been in love before, and I've been in it pretty hard. Nothing compelled me to do anything like you did.
And it seems I spoke too soon. When he says that, "...there's no such thing as a chemical imbalance". BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! C'mon now, fucker. Who in the hell do you think you're kidding? Did the aliens tell you that? Did that little kid that informed you that the human head weighs six pounds tell you that? Where in the hell did you get that? I want sources, I want quotes, and goddammit, they need to be reliable, not some guy that sat in the Scientology HQ or whatever the fuck it is for a week or so and made a decision. C'mon, man...I fuckin' liked you in Top Gun, don't do me like this...

And oh yeah, Tom, guess what? They do have per dosage guidelines for Ritalin, based upon a mg per kg weight ratio. But here's something silly, get ready for it: metabolic differences play havoc with those. Not every kid or adult has the same metabolism. Me, I've got a nuclear furnace for a metabolism. I need more drugs to get a desired effect than most people. I suppose they should throw me in the guideline book or whatever they have.
I can't even get into it anymore. It's just...I don't know, it's just too fucking funny. He's calling anti-depresants and shit like that "dangerous". It's not like kids are stealing their mothers' Nortryptaline or their Zoloft and smoking it up out on the street. Shit, if you take too many vitamins, those can be dangerous for you. Fuck, too much water can be dangerous; that shit upsets your potassium levels and you go into systemic organ failure. Does that mean we should all drink only chocolate milk from now on?

Man...I need to get famous. So then I can make up a ton of shit and go on the news about it.

"You see, Matt, this whole thing about gravity, it's just a bunch of hooey. Show me the research, show me the stuff where it says it isn't a theory and that it's real. You show me that, and then I'll say I'm wrong."

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You scored as Existentialism. Your life is guided by the concept of Existentialism: You choose the meaning and purpose of your life.

“Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.”

“It is up to you to give [life] a meaning.”

--Jean-Paul Sartre

“It is man's natural sickness to believe that he possesses the Truth.”

--Blaise Pascal

More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page...






Justice (Fairness)






Strong Egoism






Divine Command


What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03)
created with QuizFarm.com

Right...who'd have ever thunk me an existentialist?? Anyway, there's the results, folks.

In other news, I fucking hate the following things in the following order:

My life
My job
The current state of the world
My inability to do anything about it

Did you think you were going to get something totally serious out of me? C'mon, grow up. I'm trying to.

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