[originally posted on 10/05/06 at here
A lethal combination of energy drink, boredom, and uh, more boredom has lead to this increase of posting. Blame the government. Blame society. Hell, you can even blame Godzilla. But I have discovered something via Something Awful that I was just compelled to share with the whole lot of you.
This eBook course will help you stop cranking it. That's right, they will help you stop masturbating, which is remarkable, cos I wasn't even aware that a) Beating off was harmful to me; and b) This was something I needed to stop. Go figure. The only thing I thought I was hurting my masturbating was my dirty socks, and so far they haven't raised any voices in protest. But they give you the ways in how masturbation is harmful for you life. Dig:
Masturbation destroys your health
- Umm...right. I guess it destroys your health in the same way that a normal, heterosexual orgasm would, since your body, crafty motherfucker that it is, knows the difference between a vagina and your hand/pillow/vacumm cleaner tube/or whatever else it is you use to beat off. And ladies, this goes for you, too. Your vagina knows the difference between a penis and whatever silly device you use to pleasure yourself. However, your vagina can be thrown off if you use a severed penis that has been tied off and filled with a polymer, so to never lose the hardness of a turgid erection.
You waste your valuable time on masturbation
-Yes, the five minutes that I spend masturbating could be spent so much more wisely on other things, like staring at the wall, trying to find something else to do, pretending to read a book, singing a bit of a song to myself, looking in the fridge for something to eat, thinking about who would win in a fight(Megatron or Jesus???), thinking about what I would do if I had the power to masturbate infinitely, etc, etc. I could go on, but I think you get the idea.
Weakens your ability to make money (since you spend most of your valuable time in watching pornographic content and then masturbating)
- Right. I can't begin to tell you the daily contest of wills that takes place every morning when I wake up. "Should I go to work or stay home and ejaculate to the point where I'm spitting out nothing but dust?? Hmmm...." I also like how they say that you watch[ing] the pornographic content and then masturbating. Jack, I don't know how you roll, but I spank it while I'm watching said pornographic content. It's not like you're watching fucking 'Citizen Kane', and then discussing its merits. The only merit that porno has is that you can masturbate to it. And occasionally, it's hilarious.
Destroys your marriage or your relationship with your partner
- Okay. I really don't know what to say about this, other than I can't think of any marriage or relationship that has fallen apart cos someone either confessed to masturbating or was caught. Sure, there was probably some embarassment there, as no one wants to be caught flailing away at themselves like they're putting out a fire on their genitals. C'mon now. That's why you do it when you know that no one is going to be home. It's just common sense.
Makes you feel guilty after masturbation (inferiority complex)
- What inferiority complex? You feel inferior cos you made yourself cum in the time that it takes your microwave to make a bag of popcorn. Shit, that makes me feel awesome. Like my left hand is the best fucking lay in the world. You go girl. Self high five.
Prevents you from having better sex with your partner
- Chances are, you're probably masturbating cos THEY AREN'T THERE!!! And I don't know about the rest of you, but my beating off five or six hours prior isn't going to impact my sexual performance later on. But then again, I'm a machine.
Creates a negative psychology after masturbation that affects your business life
- How many times have I been in a buisness meeting, trying to outline the newest proposal for the boss, and I just can't get up the courage to say: "The product sucks, dude" cos I spent the morning giving myself a workout. Countless. Masturbation impacts every facet of my life. And by every facet, I mean the 10mins that it takes to get it up, finish it off, and then clean it up. And then, I'm not really thinking about it any more.
Prevents you from making your life's dream come true (since you spend most of your valuable time in watching pornographic content and then masturbating)
- What if my life's dream is to constantly watch pornographic content and then masturbate? I guess I'd probably have pretty low standards....
Seriously, if you're having problems with the above mentioned things, your problem probably isn't masturbation. You sir, or madam, would be what is referred to as a sex addict, and masturbation is the least of your problems. Sure, you're probably pounding one down three or four, maybe even five times a day. And I bet all this whacking is getting in the way of things. But quitting masturbation isn't going to fix that little car wreck, no sir. In place of masturbating, you'll be meat logging skanks you pick up at the local IHOP in the back of your Buick Skylark. And last time I checked, there's no 12 step program for that, other than your boys making fun of you.
Ladies, feel free to substitute "meat logging skanks" for "using your flesh tunnel to devour mad sausidge, yo". It's all the same.